J. Peirano: My husband insists on threesomes - but I don't want it 2

J. Peirano: My husband insists on threesomes – but I don't want it

Dear Madam Peirano,

We (41 and 55) have been a couple for seven years and have been married for four years. We generally adapt perfectly and we are very happy with each other. Unfortunately, it's just a problem where we have different opinions or inclinations. My husband loves the three, but unfortunately not.

We've been talking about it for years and we can't even go dancing together in a club without both of us getting frustrated afterwards. He's always disappointed when I don't want to dance sexy with others. At least that's what I think it could do for him …

I've already tried some things to meet him in terms of inclinations, but this has never been enough and left more frustration on both sides. For me, I always felt 150 percent and for him it was only a maximum of 10 percent. He keeps saying he'd do EVERYTHING for me and I don't.

He is in favor of a visit from a therapist, and would also come with the second step. He says he can't and doesn't want to change. He believes that if I do it often enough, I would like the taste. But I don't have that vision!

I offered him desperately, he could go alone to the swingers club. But he doesn't want it, because it excites him when I'm having fun. This is not my case, generally in the meantime I have less and less desire to have sex.

Even with toys, massages, etc., sex is for me primarily an act to satisfy it. I can't tell him because he would have lost that too. I was very desperate with this situation for a long time and I feel under pressure. I don't want to lose him, but I already feel that my feelings for him have calmed down a little because of these arguments.

It's not a good base for the next 30 years!

Sincerely, Nadine G.

Dear Nadine G.,

I can understand very well that you feel under pressure. There may be some things in a relationship that you can do for the good of the other without bending. For example, if cleaning is extremely important, the other person might be willing to clean the sink and sweep the floor after every meal without damaging his soul. Or maybe a partner can watch a movie of bad taste for the sake of the other.

But in terms of sexuality, I must say clearly that it does not work that way. Sexual preference is very personal and associated with strong feelings. Kissing with the right person in the right situation can be heavenly. Kissing the wrong person or being embraced by the kiss can cause strong feelings of disgust, up to the years of blame, shame, fear and disgust that people experience after being raped. What someone feels has a lot to do with one's personality and history and cannot be generated from the outside. At most, it can be hindered if one voluntarily takes the other.

So I can only advise you to clearly name your borders and protect them. Ideally, your husband should have enough respect to take his limits seriously. It's okay if one seduces the other to try something new. But to force it or to demand it, it will backfire. Because at the same time respect for others diminishes.

I can imagine that you have lost confidence in your husband's needs, that you lack your desires, and that you have lost your self-esteem. Obviously, your husband does not bother to establish a kind of intimate contact with you in which you both discover what you like and how you can excite him. But your husband puts what excites him and what he wants to do with you. They should satisfy what they like and, otherwise, they will be scolded.

It is now known that what happens on a sexual level between two partners strongly influences the way people interact with each other, such as mutual feelings, closeness and distance, readiness for infidelity, mutual interest, trust. It is indeed a central and very delicate subject!

I think it's really important that you both talk again, preferably in a couple therapy focused on sexuality. And your husband should come from the beginning, otherwise you will also find yourself in an imbalance in therapy. You should have a heart and tell your husband frankly how much you feel under pressure and that you have lost your sense of sexuality because you don't feel free. It certainly won't be in his favor and could motivate him to worry more about what he wants. And the therapist can tell you how to treat each other (for example, to depreciate the other, blame your husband, evade, repudiate your needs). Your dispute culture will certainly be highlighted again.

I imagine that this helps both to gain clarity. Because in my opinion it is not a question of sexual practices, but of respect and compassion for the other. I think you should improve it together if you want to have a base for the next 30 years.

Sincerely, Julia Peirano